Godless ‘Gossip Girl’ Teens Have Threesome in Front of Chapel Crucifix

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Oh, the irony! On Thanksgiving Day, HBO Max brought back something we’re very much not thankful for – three more episodes of the raunchy, graphic, and perverted Gossip Girl reboot. This time the show managed to mix Christianity with its smut, featuring a threesome in a chapel in front of a crucifix and a main character’s gay dad dating a reverend.

In episode 7, “Once Upon a Time in the Upper West,” Audrey (Emily Alyn Lind) and her boyfriend Aki (Evan Mock) are having sex in their private high school’s chapel, but they haven’t been able to feel very aroused with each other ever since having a threesome with their extremely promiscuous and bisexual friend Max (Thomas Doherty).

Audrey complains about the way Aki is looking at her, but Aki replies, as Jesus on the crucifix is clearly in his sight, “It’s either eye contact with you or Jesus, and He does not seem into this.” After trying different positions without success, they end up inviting Max to the chapel to help them and another threesome ensues. As the three are lying naked on the floor after they finish, Max points up at the ceiling and remarks, “We gotta clean that up before stained glass takes on a whole new meaning.” Gross.

 

Episode 9, “Blackberry Narcissus” featured a scene where Max comes home to find one of his gay fathers, Gideon (Todd Almond), having drinks with a reverend named Raul who is his newest love interest. Max’s other father Roy (John Benjamin Hickey) left Gideon because he was becoming more and more feminine, but he has since expressed a desire to reconcile. Max is not only upset that Gideon is dating other people, but Max also points out that he himself has been with 70% of “that demographic,” so they could have ended up sleeping with the same man:

Gideon: Max! I thought you delivered for God’s Love on Fridays.

Max: No, I rescheduled.

Gideon: This is Raul.

Max: Do you two work together?

Gideon: Not yet. Raul is a new friend. We, uh… We had lunch.

Max: And now you’re having drinks.

Gideon: Would you excuse us for a moment?

Raul: Of course. I’ll grab some water. Nice to meet you, Max.

Max: Hmm. Who the fuck is that?

Gideon: You know exactly who that is, Max.

Max: Luckily, I don’t. Because in this city, in that demographic, there’s a 70 percent chance that I could have, and then how would you have felt about that?

Gideon: Raul is a friend. Nothing more. For now.

Max: So, is this what being on a different path than Pops means? Does he know you’re on this path? Do… Do you think that you should be on this path?

Gideon: You know that your dad and I are presently not together.

Max: Yes, but I did not think that it would be you pursuing a new future, either.

Gideon: He and I have agreed to see other people.

Max: You’ve not even given Pops a chance to make things right.

Gideon: No, honey. No. This isn’t something to make right. Some people stay their whole lives together in that uncomfortable place, and… your dad and I, we are not going to do that to one another.

Max: I see that.

Gideon: You don’t have to leave. Uh… Raul and I can go.

Max: No, no, no, no, no. Don’t worry. The house is yours.

Roy: Hey, there.

Max: Did you know that Dad’s seeing someone?

Roy: He’s allowed to do whatever he wants, Max. I only asked that I not be told about it. And now I have been.

Max: Pops, I’m really fucking this all up.

Roy: It was already fucked up, son.

Well, Gossip Girl, this bigotry and perversion are killing us. But you got one thing right. It was already… we’ll say “messed” up to put it in milder language. In fact, this whole show has been messed up. One can only hope HBO Max will divorce itself from this horrible kiddie porn reboot, especially for the sake of its targeted demographic audience – underage teens.

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